Well its been a while…
I have been on a roller coaster for the past month and a half, I have survived my knee reconstruction and am in the healing process. Everything seems to be going fine and just slow, but they say I’m getting there.
So Ive been up and down the past few weeks, having feelings of sadness, feelings of loneliness, and feelings of wanting to do something else, something more with my life; but what?
Why am I sad? Well there are normal reasons of why I’m sad, I mean really I have some pretty shitty medical issues and mental reasons that make me sad. Its okay to be sad and I feel like I’m doing what I can to change my sadness but it never feels enough. How do I convince myself that everything will be okay; Even if its not how do I convince myself that God already has his plans made for me and there is nothing I can do to change his plans. I know its okay to be sad I rarely show my sadness to others, I keep it buried as to not worry others and also I feel like its just something I have to deal with, its not others problem. How can you deal with your sadness when you feel as if your doing all you can? Working with different therapies, the dread of different medications which make other things worse an everything under the sun to keep yourself distracted. At times I feel lost in all I’m doing, is it worth it? Why keep doing it all if it just feels like a waste? Do we do things to keep others happy, to keep them thinking were doing the best we can? I can honestly say yes, I do do things to make others happy and for me its okay I don’t know if its just because I’m used to it or if really is just something we all do.
For now my days just seem to come and go, noting new, nothing makes me excited, I’m just there, even when there are things that are exciting I feel as if I anticipate for it to be over. Feeling of lonesomeness inside my head knowing that know one truly understands whats going on inside my head or how much pain I am in. Not that I want others to feel my pain but I feel like I am all alone at times with myself. How can this be when I have a very loving husband, and a strong support system. I feel it just is and again there’s nothing I can do about it. As a society we always want more, more money, more things, more adventure maybe that’s it or maybe its not. Lots of people want to do more with their life, as for me the things I want to do are a matter of physically not being able to and tha’ts where I struggle. We always want what we cant have, I feel like that’s something I’ve been focusing on way to much. I want so much of what I cant have, that all my energy is focused on that and not what I do have.
I have a lot of healing to do and I know I will at some point be better but for now I’ll let this wave ride itself out. Sometimes things don’t go as we planned and or lives are not always Krystal clear.
So I was thinking today why do I ALWAYS worry? Where does it come from? What is behind the reason of my worries? I’m starting to learn that that’s just how I’m wired. I know some of my worries are irrational and not worth my time but then why? Well here’s what I have learned so far with my anxiety. Anxiety is fear, when I say I have a lot of anxiety its basically saying I’m scared. Why am I always scared all the time I have know idea. I think I just always think the worst so I can be prepared if it does go bad. 90% of the time I’m anxious (scared) it all goes fine. I put so much pressure on myself and I have to learn to be kinder to myself and give myself a break. Life doesn’t have to be done perfectly, as long as we do our best that’s all you can want in life.
The other problem I have is letting others peoples worries become my worries. For example, if I leave my purse in the car and I’m fine with it then you say, “well you shouldn’t leave that in there, someone sees it they’ll break in and it’ll be gone.” True that could happen but I locked my doors and my purse is covered I was fine with that but now you have me thinking I made the wrong choice, making me second guess my choices my adult choices. I am slowly learning that it is okay for me to make choices on my own and not let others fears become my own. It is very hard to learn and readjust after 26 years of doing things and making decisions the way others want. I am my own person and its okay if I make the wrong choice I will learn from it.
I always have to remember that life isn’t always Crystal Clear but we are the archaist of or lives so build something beautiful.
I don’t want to spend to much time talking about the past but I feel like if you don’t get a little back story its hard to get the full picture of the present. So here it is just laying it out there. I got sick at 13 years old and when I say sick I don’t me like I got a cold or the flu. when I say sick I mean I stopped walking for no reason at all and couldn’t bend my leg nor walk. I was in huge amounts of pain and know one knew why, during this time my arms and hands started to get sore, my back was in pain, I developed seizures, and things just didn’t get better. After numerous test, therapies, hospitals, alternative therapies and a bunch of stuff in between. I did get diagnosed finally with RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy), migraines, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and some other issues in between. Ive been in chronic pain every single day. I’ve come a long way since 13, I am able to deal and grow with my illnesses. I have good days and bad but want nothing more then to keep moving and grow into my best self. With everything in life I have my limitations but I do my best to not let that stop me. My blog will talk about what I’m feeling and my experiences, travel, and reviews. I hope to do this to help fill my time and keep those close to me informed whats going on with me as sometimes its easier writing about it first then talking. Have a great day even if its not KrystalClear